02/04 - GRIEF

I need to grieve that even if I “win” in the end, this process will not go the way I want
Period.

Also need to grieve that trust in God does not guarantee what I want.

The plan of God is not shortsighted
And that does not feel good right now because that means that God uses present problems & issues that feel unjust, unresolved, unfair, uncontrollable for future purposes. And more than likely, how he uses those problems/issues are against my desire in the moment.

And the future purposes are often hidden from me.

Whatever the purpose is, all I know is it requires internal fortitude. His tool of choice to build that in me is pain.

Fear comes in when I plan for a victory & realize the victory I want may not be the victory I need.

My Fear and faith aren’t too far apart. There’s a thin line I’m noticing

Both live off of irrationality - the difference is the intention and motive you trust in

And this is what my discouragement may be rooted in -

I do know God has good intentions toward me & anything that He allows in my life

I just don’t agree with him right now
And that’s ok. This is where grieving comes in.